


And to Make an End is to Make a Beginning

by SBG



Series: New Life [1]
Category: Emergency!
Genre: AU, First Kiss, M/M, New Year's Eve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 15:45:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SBG/pseuds/SBG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>New Year’s was about new beginnings, but this one was also about closing the door on what had been a very shitty year.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And to Make an End is to Make a Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from T.S. Eliot. Also, I wrote this in, like, four hours, and it hasn't been edited yet. Pardon the construction, expect delays. ;)

Johnny Gage had never been one for New Year’s Eve. In years past, he enjoyed going out, throwing back a few drinks and maybe making out with a beautiful person at midnight, just for the hell of it. Since becoming a rescue man and then paramedic, his view on this particular holiday had colored to one of slight cynicism and partial dread. This year was no exception. If anything, those feelings were worse. New Year’s was about new beginnings, but this one was also about closing the door on what had been a very shitty year.

And, of course, to many New Year’s was an excuse to get sauced. He expected the night to get busier after midnight, but until then, the station was almost eerily quiet. The down time was usually welcome, but his thoughts were dark and not helping anyone.

“Hey, Gage, be a pal and bring me something to drink, will ya?” Chet Kelly called.

The scent of slightly scorched popcorn filled the kitchen and rec area, and whatever movie was playing prior to the Dick Clark thing sounded tinny and, frankly, boring. Johnny wasn’t thrilled with the thought of welcoming the new year by watching a schlocky televised Times Square ball drop, or with having to spend it with the A-shift. Not that he didn’t like this group of men. He did. It was just that he’d gotten stuck next to Chet on the sofa, and Marco had made a pot of chili for dinner. He shook his head, tried to clear it of these negative thoughts. He’d been heading outside for some fresh air, but he was an accommodating kind of guy. He detoured to the cupboard for a glass and fridge to get Chet some milk rather than shout back at the guy that he had two perfectly functioning legs.

“Don’t say I never did anything for you,” Johnny said, handing off the glass of milk.

“Milk, Gage?”

“If you wanted something specific, you should have said so.”

“Will you two twits keep it down?” Cap said as he glared up at John. His face was tinged blue from the television light, which flickered and made him look rather maniacal. “We’re watching a movie here.”

Captain Stanley, unlike Johnny, did like New Year’s Eve, and he was missing his annual party this year. Johnny half suspected Cap had pulled some strings to get the A-shift on duty tonight, though, giving up one of his favorite things to make it easier on Roy. His partner had been doing better, but the holidays were tough, a month and a half filled with reminders of what had been. Memories, good and bad. Johnny got that. He didn’t know how to help Roy through this first holiday season without Jo, and his own experiences said that there wasn’t anything he could do for Roy. Some things had to be borne alone. Still, he almost turned toward the dorm to check on his friend instead of returning to his mission for fresh air and pretending he could see stars in the urban, light-polluted sky. He needed the fresh air first, he reasoned.

The tones sounded the second his fingers hit the door handle, as if they had some kind of freaky intuition. The call was only for the squad, and Johnny supposed it was better than sitting next to a gassy Chet, or sprawling on the hood of Roy’s car faux stargazing like he’d just been about to do. He only half listened to the specifics, which never really told much of the story anyway. He didn’t hear key words like chest pain or broken bone, and prepared himself instead for some kind of asinine thing.

“Jo loved the whole week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve,” Roy said softly as they drove. His voice cracked a little, the only thing to betray his emotion. “It makes me want to hate it now. I miss her.”

Johnny swallowed a few times. He didn’t know what to say. It was the first time Roy had mentioned his wife in months, though she was with him, always. In the creases at the corners of his eyes, the slight downward turn of his lips.

“I know, man,” was all he managed, and feebly at that.

They fell back into silence. Johnny didn’t offer platitudes about how everything was going to be all right, in time, because it wasn’t. That hole in Roy’s life, it would always be there now. No matter how much he wanted to take up a proverbial shovel and try to fill it up for Roy, he couldn’t. All he could do was make sure Roy didn’t fall into that hole, and so far he’d done okay at that. The holidays were throwing him off, too. Jo had been a good friend to him, like family.

“Fraternity Row,” Roy murmured as Johnny directed him. “Of course.”

Maybe it was bitterness over not attending college himself, but Johnny thought he’d never met bigger fools than college students. He’d thought most kids would be on Christmas holiday yet, with even the locals heading to their parents’ homes. He wasn’t totally wrong. There was one obvious party going on, but the rest of the row was sedate and dark. Oddly, their call was not for the party house. Good. It was too early for alcohol poisoning or someone with a toga threatening to strangle them.

“Looks quiet.”

“Looks can be deceiving,” Johnny said, waggling his eyebrows at Roy.

Looks could definitely deceive. By all outward appearances, for example, Johnny was a playboy ladies man. And he was, he wasn’t going to lie about that, but underneath all that was something else, something more. Something he doubted would ever see the light of day, considering what and whom it involved. Roy’s blue eyes sparkled back at him, he smiled and then turned to open the door. Considering how low Roy was, the sign of mirth was a surprise. A good one. Feelings that could only be unrequited surged in Johnny and he shoved them back in their dark cave where they belonged. He was an idiot, sometimes. Chet would say he was an idiot all the time, and the thought alone of Chet got him back on track. He helped Roy gather their equipment and trudged up the walk after his partner, making sure his eyes landed everywhere but Roy’s butt.

There was a sole light on in the big, rickety frat house, and no one came to the door when Roy pounded on it. He shot Johnny a look and a frown. It wasn’t rush, so the chances of a prank call were lessened somewhat, but with moronic fraternity members it was never off the table entirely. Johnny took a step back and looked up at the lit, but curtained window.

“Fire department,” he shouted up. “Hey.”

Almost immediately, the curtain was drawn back and a head appeared. Backlit as it was, Johnny couldn’t make out a face, let alone determine if there was any obvious signs of injury. Blood or whatnot. He did decipher the frantically head bobbing as an indication they should let themselves in. He nodded at Roy and pointed at the door. Roy shrugged and turned the knob. The door opened, but he couldn’t help wondering what in the hell they were in for.

Johnny took the lead up the stairs, though he knew Roy’d figured out the location of their victim of … whatever just as easily as he had. Up the stairs, round and down the hall back toward the front of the house. The house was still dark except the light coming from underneath that door. They approached with caution. Everything seemed innocuous, but if they’d learned anything over the last few years, it was that seeming innocuous and being innocuous were very different things.

“Hello?” Roy called loudly.

“Door’s locked, but you’re going to have to break it down,” a male voice, slightly stressed sounding and high pitched, shouted back. “Can’t make it there.”

Johnny didn’t hesitate. He landed a solid kick and the door busted open easily. Had he been running scenarios in his head, none of them would have prepared him for the sight before him. He had no idea how the kid had managed to open the curtain with his wrists firmly secured through the headboard slats with what looked like tube socks, until he figured out the shape underneath the blanket could only be another person. Eyeing the boy’s naked chest and not two but four bare feet poking out from under the blanket, he came to an obvious conclusion. Fantastic, a sex thing. He tried not to grin, noting the second shape was occupying the bottom half of the bed only. On the floor and off the hook, the phone beeped loudly.

“Oh boy,” Roy muttered, and quickly took care of the bleating phone.

“Please,” the kid said. “Please just, can you untie me before you do anything else? I’m about a second away from losing both my hands to loss of circulation and I think I could pop my shoulders out if I move again.”

His hands did look purple and slightly swollen. Dollars to doughnuts, he’d struggled to get himself free. Johnny decided it was better if he didn’t contemplate the details, like how they’d managed to make the call for emergency services. The girl under the blanket hadn’t moved, but Johnny understood the muffled sound of disgruntlement and it led him to believe they hadn’t been called just to untie hands.

Roy stepped forward and worked quickly to loosen the kid’s hands. He shot Johnny a look that told him he was close to busting out into laughter himself. Good, good. He’d missed that about Roy, almost as much as he’d missed Joanne himself. Roy hardly smiled anymore, not that anyone could possibly blame him. The heartfelt groan of relief almost tipped both he and Roy over the edge. Johnny clamped his teeth down on the inside of his cheek for a second.

“So, want to tell us what to expect here…?”

“Billy. My name’s Billy,” the boy said, rubbing at his chafed wrists.

Roy set to nursing those wounds, leaving Johnny to delve into the bigger issue. Both of them had more than an inkling of what was going on.

“Braces,” Billy said, hissed when Roy applied disinfectant to his right wrist. “Oh, shit, this is so embarrassing.”

“Trust me, Billy, there is very little that surprises us.”

Johnny flipped the blanket back, and got a bit of a surprise.

“Oh,” he said. “Um.”

The girl under the blanket wasn’t a girl. She was, in fact, a very naked he, and he recoiled a bit at being exposed. The metal wires of his braces were firmly caught in Billy’s hair _and_ flesh, and the motion backward had Billy swearing colorfully. It might have been funny, except it wasn’t, not at all. Johnny looked at Roy, who was red as a beet and appeared to want to bolt. It was a fleeting look, and then professionalism reasserted across Roy’s features.

“Everyone’s gone and no one’s supposed to know but when it happened I didn’t, we didn’t know what to … please tell me you can help us without telling anyone else about this. Please, you don’t understand what would happen to us if…”

“Hey, hey.” Johnny touched Billy’s shoulder. “I get it. It’s tough being in a place like this, having to hide who you are or face hate and violence. I understand.”

Roy coughed, dry and raspy.

“Let’s take a look, huh? Maybe we won’t have to call it in,” Roy said.

That would go against strict procedure, but these poor kids, they didn’t need the humiliation and they sure didn’t need to be outed in such a fashion. Johnny felt a spark of admiration for Roy just for suggesting the break from protocol. It didn’t actually look too bad, but Johnny doubted Billy would agree. He winced in sympathy.

“What’s your friend’s name?” Johnny asked.

“Steve. His name’s Steve.”

“Well, Steve, not to state the obvious, but you’re a bit tangled there. Doesn’t look that bad.” Johnny crouched and leaned close, because as supportive as Roy was being, he also looked incredibly unnerved. “I think we can take care of this with minimal damage.”

“Damage?” Billy squeaked.

Steve made noises that were probably words, except they were unintelligible due to his mouth being full of … Billy.

Johnny interpreted them to mean “hurry the hell up already”, and he did. The hair was easy. He withdrew the small bandage scissors from the box and snipped. The part where Steve’s braces coiled extensively into Billy’s penis, well, that was a different story. It was obvious the kid had tried to pull free, spots of broken skin had Johnny want to give Billy a medal for being as calm as he was. It had to have hurt.

“Roy, I don’t think we’re gonna …”

A damp four by four was shoved into his hand.

“Lidocaine,” Roy said. “Billy, it’ll numb you so we can pull you free, but I won’t lie. This isn’t going to be pleasant for either of you.”

“Just, please,” Billy said.

Johnny worked as quickly as he could. It wasn’t easy to get the lidocaine swabbed, and he studiously ignored when Billy’s body started reacting to the unintentional stroking and Steve choked.

“Steve, is there any way you can open your mouth a little wider?”

Steve gurgled, but did try.

“Good, that’s good,” Johnny said. “Just a second here. Billy, can you feel this?”

“Jesus, kill me now,” Billy whispered. “Get him off already.”

Johnny did almost laugh at that. He doubted Billy registered what he’d just said. He decided to go for it, then, and just pulled Billy free. The second he was done, Steve collapsed backward, heaved a huge sigh and began to open and shut his mouth, massaging at his jaw with his fingers.

“Roy, I’m going to need something to clean this and more gauze.”

Poor Billy didn’t get by without injury, blood tricking from a few tears. Ouch. Johnny set to cleaning Billy up, but was batted away as Billy lunged for the blanket again while Steve scrambled to the head of the bed. Both of them huddled together, backs pressed firmly into the headboard, blanket covering everything below the waist. It was a bit late for modesty, but Johnny couldn’t fault the reaction.

“You should let him take care of it,” Steve said, slurring slightly. His hand fumbled until it clasped Billy’s. “God, I’m so sorry, B.”

“Not your fault, and he’s already seen more of me than I’m comfortable with.”

“He’s right,” Roy said softly. “You have every right to refuse treatment by us, and I wouldn’t blame you, considering. But you should have that looked at. A bite of any kind has the potential for infection. Mouths are generally full of germs, and braces only compound that issue.”

Billy looked at Roy in horror, probably at the thought of having to explain how the injuries came about to yet another human being. He nodded and shifted the blanket back to give Johnny access to the small but ugly wounds decorating his dick.

The least Johnny could do was get it done in less than a minute, and replace the blanket without so much as a word.

“T-thanks.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Steve echoed.

“No problem. We’ll keep our reports as non-specific as we can get, no names. Just … be safe, huh?” Johnny said. He hastily closed up the kit and got to his feet, headed for the door Roy had already scuttled out of. “Happy new year.”

As he left, he heard Steve and Billy murmuring to each other in a way that meant they weren’t just two guys in need of sex. They had genuine feelings, and wasn’t that just … he wondered why they’d voluntarily put themselves in a place filled with guys who would turn on them in an instant if they found out they had a couple of gays sleeping so close to them. Bigots, it seemed, were never too embarrassed by their actions to out themselves every chance they got. Johnny knew that firsthand, for multiple infractions, and thought ruefully he’d been close to calling the pot black there.

He trotted down the stairs and out to the squad. Roy was already behind the wheel, an odd look on his face as he watched Johnny approach. He didn’t need an interpreter. Roy was a traditional kind of guy. He’d handled himself okay back there, but it was obvious the whole thing made him uncomfortable, and not just in the way that came with finding someone in an intimate position. It was that they’d found two men in a compromising position, and wasn’t that just a kick in the pants. His grief stricken, heterosexual partner bothered by gay activities. It wasn’t surprising, but it still stung a little.

Johnny stowed the kit and climbed into the cab. For a minute, they just sat there. He was about to ask Roy what was up when his partner started the vehicle and put it in drive. Johnny called in to let headquarters know they were available again, and explain the situation had been handled on scene. Distracted by that, he didn’t notice Roy was taking a strange route back to the station.

“Roy,” he said. “You missed a turn back there.”

“No, I didn’t,” Roy said. He stared straight ahead, pale and so damned lonely looking. “I need to not be around the guys for a bit, that’s all. Everyone’s eggshell walking.”

It was hard not to. People didn’t know how to deal with someone else’s pain, that was just a fact of life.

“Okay. Should I call us in unavailable?”

“No.”

Johnny glanced at his watch. It was just past eleven. They didn’t have time to goof off, and he wasn’t sure what to think about Roy breaking protocol more than once in a night. It was all they could have done back there for those boys, but this. He had a feeling in his gut he didn’t like, a thought in his brain he didn’t want to put a name to. Like, maybe Roy was going to tell him he couldn’t do it anymore, that he was going to take the kids and escape from everything that reminded him of Joanne and her death. Johnny desperately didn’t want that, but he didn’t know how to stop it anymore than he knew how to help Roy through this roughest bout of grief.

“It’s been such a long year,” Roy said, weary and small. He pulled the squad into an empty, dark parking lot, switched off the engine, replaced his hand on the wheel, held it at ten and two like he was still driving. “I can’t say I’m not glad it’s almost over.”

“Yeah.” Johnny turned in his seat, leaned toward Roy. “Me too.”

“I had a dream about Joanne last night, and when I woke up I actually deluded myself into thinking she was there, next to me.”

Johnny closed his eyes tightly, said nothing. The quality of Roy’s voice, soft and monotone, he knew it. It was something Roy needed to share with someone, and he was it. He was glad to be that person for Roy, if it helped.

“It’s foolish. It’s been ten months, but sometimes it’s only been ten minutes, you know?” Roy let out a shaky breath. “I never know when it’ll hit, moments like that, and … and I almost …”

“Roy, you know that’s normal. You won’t suddenly be okay one day. You’re doing great, I think, all things considered,” Johnny said, and almost kicked himself. The words were trite, but he meant every one of them. He wanted them to make Roy stay, stay with him. Stay. “It’s not an easy time of year, but you gotta stick with it, okay? Stick with 51s.”

“No, it’s not,” Roy whispered. The vinyl of the seat squeaked when Roy turned, finally released his hands from the wheel. “That’s not what I meant. I was going to say I almost called you this morning, just to hear your voice. I imagined Joanne, and when she wasn’t there, I could only picture you. You’ve been a big help to me. You know that, don’t you? Sometimes I think without you, I’d have lost it months ago.”

“I’d do anything for you, Roy,” Johnny said, though he didn’t mean to sound so desperate.

“Anything.” Roy chewed on his lip, and his eyes flicked all over the cab but never once stopped on Johnny. Until they did, and they were bright with tears and something else. “What did you mean, back there?”

“What do you mean, what did I mean?”

“About knowing what it’s like to hide who you are.”

Johnny could take the path of least resistance, play it off with an Injun joke. Everyone knew about what he'd faced growing up, though, so that kind of bigotry wasn't a secret, wasn't what Roy meant. He couldn’t lie. Not to Roy.

“Roy,” he said, but his throat locked up before he spilled his guts about being a firefighter with an attraction to men and made it so Roy would run for sure.

“Johnny, I need you to come closer and look at me,” Roy said calmly. “Okay?”

Body took over before brain could talk him out of it. Johnny slid across the seat, close enough he felt Roy’s warmth.

“You’ve kept me afloat this whole year, and I can’t do or say enough to let you know how much I …” Roy trailed off, stared at the top of Johnny’s head. “Johnny, I just need you to hug me now, okay? It’s just been _so long_ since anyone but my kids have done more than clap me on the shoulder and I really, really need a hug.”

Johnny blinked. Of course he could hug Roy, but it would hurt him. He shoved his selfish concerns aside. His own hurt wasn’t important. He slid closer still and pulled Roy against him, ignored the awkward, cramped position they were in. His heart pounded into his chest and felt like it broke into a billion pieces as Roy all but melted against him, wrapped his arms around Johnny’s back and held on like he never wanted to let go.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Johnny found himself saying. “I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have had to ask for something like this.”

Roy turned his face until it was buried in the crook of Johnny’s neck, then, and made a tiny sound of abject sorrow that only had Johnny squeezing him harder. They weren’t going to be able to stay here indefinitely, but Johnny catalogued every single nuance of the hug into the Roy space of his brain, where it _would_ stay. All this time. He’d been too reluctant, too aware of his own growing feelings and he would not let Roy go without comfort again.

“Don’t be sorry,” Roy said into his neck, breath moist and warm. “Don’t. You kept me sane this year. You…”

Roy pulled back, just a little. He met Johnny’s gaze and held it for a moment. Then he closed his eyes and leaned so their foreheads touched. It was almost more than Johnny could stand. He didn’t know when he’d started to love Roy in that way. It happened so gradually, organically. He almost pulled away, unable to take the torture he knew Roy had no idea he was inflicting.

Except then Roy lifted his head and pressed his lips against Johnny’s, soft and warm and somehow uncertain. Johnny’s surprise only lasted a moment or two, and despite better judgment, he parted his lips and kissed Roy back. The barest hint of tongue touched his lower lip and he opened his mouth wider, the kiss growing to more as that uncertain quality of Roy’s faded. It was unrushed, sweet and beyond what Johnny had allowed himself to even contemplate. After a few minutes, Roy broke the kiss and Johnny missed it immediately. Kissing Roy was surreal but beautiful, and he didn't want to stop.

“Thank you,” Roy whispered, shifting so his hands were on either side of Johnny’s face.

“Roy,” Johnny said, a little dazed by the suddenness of it all, and concerned he didn’t understand what was going on, at the heart of it. “Whu?”

“Johnny, I don’t know what this is yet.” Roy shook his head, pursed his lips and then kissed Johnny quick, chaste, amazingly comfortable. “But I’m pretty sure it’s more than thanks. I hope you’ll help me figure it out.”

In less than an hour, they’d usher in a new year. For the first time, Johnny thought it could be about a beginning instead of an end. He smiled, pulled Roy’s left hand from his face and kissed the palm.

"Let's make this a happy new year, huh?" Johnny said.


End file.
